A shift in perspective

I can feel something shifting in me. This morning was the first morning in ages that I've woken up and not felt a sense of dread or anxiety upon opening my eyes before greeting a new day.

I've been practicing cardiac coherence or coherent breathing 2 to 3 times a day 5 minutes each time: morning, midday and before bed time. Perhaps, that combined with a few months of cognitive behavioral therapy is changing the way I perceive things, the way I think, act and finally my habits.

Friday, I actually came home to find that I had forgotten to check the computer's power bar and the house hadn't burned down to the ground.

So today, as I left the house to go swim, then go grocery shopping and later to a kiddy birthday party, I purposefully left the power bar on, turned on the power bar for my guitar amp and left the TV on. These are all things that I never do. Again, I came home to find that the house was still standing.

So, O.C.D. seems to be getting tamed after almost a decade of suffering. The last step for me is getting over travel anxiety. I used to travel a lot and most often on my own or joining others at a rendez-vous point overseas. After tragic events described earlier in this blog, I stopped traveling cold turkey. I haven't been able to get up in the saddle since.

Recent attempts at booking a vacation turned out to be an experience in mismatched expectations and I began get stressed out by the whole process and I backed out. It didn't feel right but I figured that it was just my anxiety screaming at me again. I felt disappointed in myself and I felt as if I had failed.

I have not failed. I have just found 10 000 ways that won't work.

Thomas Edison

I was even scared of telling my therapist last week that I hadn't booked a flight and hotel somewhere. I described the situation and she understood and supported me. I told her that I haven't decided against going away, but maybe I wouldn't make plans so far ahead and just stay open to possibilities.

Mindfulness is teaching me not to have expectations and to live this moment fully. A few minutes ago, I mentioned to family that I was thinking of buying a tent in case I want to go camping this summer. As I walked past their garage, I was offered the same kind of tent I was hoping to buy and lessons in how to put it up.

So maybe not stressing about planning is a good way for me to go on about my life right now.

Acceptance
Enjoyment
Enthusiasm

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99I have not failed. I have

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Thomas A. Edison

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasaed132683.html#6hMB0uktqamYkTsu.99

2 weeks without checking!!

"You should be experiencing the life that is happening to you, not the one you wish was happening...Don't waste a moment of trying to make other things happen; appreciate the moments you are given. ..Every minute, you're a step closer to death."

Michael A. Singer
Untethered Soul

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've overly checked anything. I've even forgotten to turn off lights in the kitchen or left my phone at home. Nothing important.

I feel liberated.

I check the front door, the cat and I scan the kitchen. Then, I leave. I've hardly checked any of the other things which used to get me going in circles for long agonizing minutes before leaving to go literally anywhere.

How have I done this?

With help.

The process took a few months of reprogramming how I thought about things and honestly looking at what was dangerous, what isn't, in what circumstances something bad could happen, and to what degree each fear was actually dangerous on a scale from 0 to 100. (A hundred being a gun to your head.)

I've had to learn to, well, let go.

I have had to relearn to accept:

-that I am not, never was and never will be in control of life's events

-that I'm not responsible for most of the stuff for which I have felt guilt and shame

-that things happen and you and I will just have to deal with it the best we can

-that at some point you have to move on or you just stay stuck

-that living life involves risk and that it is possible to gauge risk in a reasonable way

-that  living in a state of fear is a tremendous waste of energy and it becomes a full time project

-that life must be lived in balance and that I must not participate in the extremes of life but let the pendulum come to rest in the middle


"You must reach the point where your whole interest lies in the balance and not in any personal preference for how things should be...Life happens, you're there, but you don't make it happen. There is no stress, there is no burden.

Michael A. Singer
Untethered Soul


I'm also learning to create healthy habits that I can rest upon when the doubting gremlins try to get a hold of my mind. 


Being fully present in space and time helps me be grounded yet at times somewhat detached even in the most stressful events. When my mind wanders, and it does, I gently bring myself back to now and the task at hand whether it be preparing a salad to swimming laps and making my movements as efficient and economical as possible.

I've practiced gratitude for years now, but learning to combine gratitude with being fully present and being grateful for this moment, here and now, has somehow made a significant shift in my perception. It's like that synergistic state of mind leading up to impact when driving a perfect golf shot. Your whole being, mind and body, is focusing and working together with laser beam accuracy on one precise moment.I quit playing golf over a decade ago because I started being extremely competitive and unkind with myself, but I remember that perfect moment of impact as absolutely priceless.




This week, I was involved in and witness a sudden crisis event which evolved over about 90 minutes. I felt totally present and aware of each passing moment during that crisis and was able to do what was needed while we waited for help to arrive. I also remember feeling like an observer. I was fully present yet somehow detached. I was in the eye of the storm in a state of calmness and I knew that no matter how bad things got, that time would propel all of those involved in the crisis to eventually move on. For some, that would be sooner than later. For others, it could be a long road ahead.

But that's it isn't it? It's all about the journey. The destination can be beautiful and exciting, but really, it's the journey which makes it all memorable. I've wondered for a long time why my life took the detour into O.C.D. and anxiety, but I guess one could wonder why anything happens.

This is part of my journey. I might as well accept it and learn from it. And if sharing about this struggle is helpful to anyone else, well, I guess it was all worth it.