My dad worked away from home for days and sometimes weeks at a time. When he would come home home, the table was lit with candles and wine was served. Dinner at our house was always festive.
When OCD got a hold of me in the mid 2000s, I became afraid of candles. If I manage to overcome my fear long enough to light some, I would put them outside of the house before leaving for the day because, I was afraid of them causing a fire .
One of the first assignments that my therapistgave me last winter , was to light a candle and let it burn itself out to see what would the happen. I used my favourite Kosta Boda votive candle holder which would make the flames appear to be dancing on the table. The assignment required me to leave the house everyday to go to work for the next week and leave the votive candle in the holder, I.e., I was not allowed to put the candle outside. Well, the house would still be there when I got home and it's still standing today.
Last night, we had friends over for dinner. In order to celebrate overcoming OCD, I decided to light candles and put them everywhere our guests would likely go in the house: kitchen, living room, dining area, bathroom. One of my guests noticed and commented immediately. I had told her awhile back to stop giving me candles as gifts because they were distressing to me. Now, I suppose that she might go back to giving me candles, but that's okay, I will embrace them and go with the flow.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Study came to an end a couple of weeks ago
I had been fortunate enough to participate in a study about therapy for O.C.D. patients. My sessions started around late November or early December of last year. I'd go about once a week or once every two weeks.
I wrote about some of the challenges that I had to do and how I got through them. I felt a bit of a relapse towards the end of the summer when I was going a month without seeing my therapist. It was as if not having to be accountable to someone allowed me to falter. However, when my therapy ended, I felt happy and confident that my life would no longer be the same and that I had the tools in order to break free from being a slave to my checking habits.
Yes, I still check some things, but I don't go around the house or my place of work in circles rechecking things multiple times and feeling that if something bad happens it will be my fault.
I know and accept now that sh*# happens and that I just have to deal with it if and when it does. The day after my last therapy session I had to drive back into the city for a sonogram for my breasts. The old me would have been panicking. I decided to recapture some of the faith I used to have years ago or maybe practice a new accepting faith. I decided to trust God, Spirit, Jesus or whoever you would have me refer to that I was healthy. I also decided that if something came up that I would get through it with grace, faith and strength. I no longer want to live in fear and I was presented with a real life, real time situation to start practicing.
So, I've decided to keep being grateful everyday for each new day and the gifts and challenges which present themselves to me. I am getting along much better with my partner and life is generally flowing.
What's next?
Because there has to be something else in order to progress, right?
Well, I'd like to not check dumb things at all. Sometimes, I walk out and forget to check stuff and that's healthy compared to taking 45 minutes just to leave the house because I kept going in circles.
I'd also like to take a trip a bit farther away from home. More than a 8 hour drive. Maybe getting back into air travel or something a bit harder than driving a day's drive away for 4 or 5 days. I don't know what yet. A lifetime ago, I used to travel a lot. I'm not sure that that's what I want now, but I do know that I would like to be a bit more mobile.
I wrote about some of the challenges that I had to do and how I got through them. I felt a bit of a relapse towards the end of the summer when I was going a month without seeing my therapist. It was as if not having to be accountable to someone allowed me to falter. However, when my therapy ended, I felt happy and confident that my life would no longer be the same and that I had the tools in order to break free from being a slave to my checking habits.
Yes, I still check some things, but I don't go around the house or my place of work in circles rechecking things multiple times and feeling that if something bad happens it will be my fault.
I know and accept now that sh*# happens and that I just have to deal with it if and when it does. The day after my last therapy session I had to drive back into the city for a sonogram for my breasts. The old me would have been panicking. I decided to recapture some of the faith I used to have years ago or maybe practice a new accepting faith. I decided to trust God, Spirit, Jesus or whoever you would have me refer to that I was healthy. I also decided that if something came up that I would get through it with grace, faith and strength. I no longer want to live in fear and I was presented with a real life, real time situation to start practicing.
So, I've decided to keep being grateful everyday for each new day and the gifts and challenges which present themselves to me. I am getting along much better with my partner and life is generally flowing.
What's next?
Because there has to be something else in order to progress, right?
Well, I'd like to not check dumb things at all. Sometimes, I walk out and forget to check stuff and that's healthy compared to taking 45 minutes just to leave the house because I kept going in circles.
I'd also like to take a trip a bit farther away from home. More than a 8 hour drive. Maybe getting back into air travel or something a bit harder than driving a day's drive away for 4 or 5 days. I don't know what yet. A lifetime ago, I used to travel a lot. I'm not sure that that's what I want now, but I do know that I would like to be a bit more mobile.
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